Scared to start over

Dear friends it’s been a long time since I have shared my thoughts but haven’t you found this year incredibly tough in all respects. Yes, I am thankful for the reflection the days at home allowed but it didn’t remove my anxiety or fear.

I have been unemployed for close to 2 years now and had this year not been so challenging I would probably would have started working a long time already. But here I sit with hopeful callbacks that come to nothing. And the sheer frustration I cannot begin to explain. I am either job hunting or sleeping to try and rest my weary soul. Sleep for me is the escape from my startlingly real reality!!!!

I have convinced myself I have chronic fatigue syndrome to explain the exhaustion but really it’s a mild depression from lack of purpose, passion and positivity. I am honestly scared that when I get the call I got the job that I have waited for so long that I will not wake up from my slumber. And that I will be floating like a zombie until I can rest. Sounds like good old fashion fear to me. Where’s the courage I always believe to be in me now??? Zapped away by sleep and the endless dreamy haze I find myself in.

I know I am not lazy to work or to put shoulder to the wheel but I have seen changes in myself since the start of unemployment journey to now. From being able to be an early riser to now completely avoiding mornings. Turning my back on household chores bar laundry which I enjoy because I find it relaxing. Strange but true!!!! And the fatigue that refuses to shift and go away despite talk therapy. There’s no money for multivitamins or energy supplements so I am trying to beat this on my own. And I am having a truly tough time with it all.

Dear friends if you have any advice on starting over that you are able to share with me, please do. I need all the help I can get. I want to be in a better space and I want to begin again. Thanks for your likes and incredible support. I have found great support in this community without which I would not have made it thus far. Thank you every reader from my heart to yours.

What will it take to bloom again???

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