Lost

Trying to find myself in the sea of joblessness is proving difficult. I find myself more lost as time passes. And finding my sanity at its most vulnerable and fragile.

Trying to cope without medication is proving impossible. I can see the decline in my thoughts and increased anxiety. As if worrying enough will bring the job I so desperately need. My thoughts do veer to the dark side but I am able to navigate back to the light even if just a smidgen.

I feel that lost, trapped feeling like I will never get out of this bad situation and create the life I want. I am trapped by self pity most of all. I am struggling in every way in a country that does not provide sufficient health care for the desperate. Lifeline phonelines prove shockingly extremely unhelpful. Leaving one feeling that there is no help available anywhere.

Finding myself isolated and alone most of the time doesn’t help. It just exacerbates the situation further. Family support is limited to none. As if dealing with depression is the answer. With no financial resources to access my psychiatrist right now I accept that I need to muddle through this alone and see where I end up.

My prayers turn to rescue before I am strangled by my burdens. They bring some comfort but no answers. I wonder if my life will ever turn around. Entering the communications sector is virtually impossible. And it’s the only career path that sets my heart on fire. I cannot afford to do internships as the salary will not cover most of my expenses. So I am willing to take anything that I can apply myself but nothing gives. Everything that could go wrong has. I have limited to no wifi network and am disconnected by my cellphone service provider. And no savings net to rely on. And it’s 7 months since I have last worked. And right now it feels that every recruiter is dumping my cv. As time marches on, I feel more that I am morphing into someone I don’t recognize. Motivation has forsaken me. Unfocused and purposeless is the current state of things.

I have not sat down and broken down. I honestly don’t know how that will help but I need to feel these feelings and allow them to flood me before I let them go. And stand up confident and strong once more. Life can’t break me. It just can’t. I have decided.

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