Is forgiveness final?

Maybe it’s a deep question for a Tuesday afternoon depending where you are. I am battling with forgiveness of myself and another. This is no trifling matter either.

I have beaten myself so many times instead of practicing self compassion. Why is it easier to wield the stick of pain than an embracing, caring hug and comforting self-talk? I agree that the pain comes in varying forms of traumas, hurts, brokenness and suffering. I have felt it myself the pain from trauma both recent and in the past, yet I struggle with the act of forgiveness. Can you relate, dear reader?

I am always looking for answers on the how to beat this and how to overcome that. But the lists are exhaustive but the answers don’t come easy.

If I find it hard to forgive myself, I cannot express how hard it is to forgive another when what lies between us is deep entrenched pain and hurt. So painful that I had to remove myself from a situation where I was confronted with it daily. What lies on the other side of forgiveness? I would hope peace, comfort, acceptance and possibly a trauma releasing shake of relief.

Having said that I am struggling to get to the other side of forgiveness as I cling to old baggage that should have been dumped. The pain has wrapped me in its embrace and I am tightly wound. Lol. I hope figuratively only!

I literally have to unwrap myself in this blanketed assumed comfort and tear these bonds. Forgiving another is crossing over to a mental space and reaching out to say I forgive you friend. I am sorry, when there may be no reply of I am sorry in return. I want my heart to be at rest. I want to breathe again unrestricted.

It is definitely not easy. As to my title’s question is forgiveness final, it is a personal question that each of us has to ask ourselves at some point. As we keep working on ourselves, delving through our pain and anchor weighted baggage may we pursue this journey of forgiveness and may the answers come whether in the still of night, in the ocean deep or on a sunny Autumn Tuesday afternoon.

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