After 11 months of living with depression this year one can understand the question. Has it passed me by? Will i ever find the “me” that is not sad again?? This depression is not a passing phase and not looking to lift and clear up like after a cold front as one would expect. I am still stuck in the middle of it. But it got me thinking and asking what makes me happy? Once again stuck for answers as my brain is so seeped in depression it cannot see colour or joy or hope.
I thought about it some more and realised that there are things after all that do make me happy maybe not currently but anyway here is my list. Feel welcome to add to them with your own. For me it’s gliding through the water on a yacht and that feeling of absolute freedom being away from land and being surrounded by water and may I add that although my happy place that I cannot swim so it should be terrifying but it absolutely is not. Then there is flying. Being on a long haul flight heading off to a foreign destination brimming with the unknown and adventure and new stories to be told. Who cannot be happy after that first cup of coffee of the day. Reading a good book that you want to continue. Laughing out loud at a bad comedy. Penning my thoughts make me happy. Reading inspirational quotes. Listening to an inspirational sermon. Listening to relaxing jazz or piano instrumental music to just unwind and calm down. So, these are some of my favourite things. Oh how can I forget good food shared with good friends.
And yet, right now I don’t feel that I can access any of these things. Laughing out loud consists of a ha not a ha ha ha right now. I cannot focus long enough to read for long stretches. I have been isolating so much that I have not seen my friends or had good food with some laughs. I listen to music to drown out my inner noise and it helps. Inspirational quotes seem to be difficult most days I cannot relate to the peppy pick me ups. That first cup of coffee still gives me a buzz but not enough buzz. I now drink multiple cups to keep the buzz continuous.
But you may wonder surrounded by all this negativity will I ever find it. Well, my friend I am told it is a journey not a destination. So the journey continues. After thinking of my favourite things it was a slight reprieve as mind could pause in that moment for a while stepping into a yacht or aeroplane. As we head into the festive season I hope that my dark mind will find some cheer. I think it is a time of the year one does not want to be weighed down by depression and it’s heaviness. Yet, so many of us find the silly season hard to cope with.
In my mind’s ear I can hear the main characters of a Sound of Music singing about their favourite things. This time not a delusion or auditory hallucination ha!