When the pieces don’t fit anymore

Maybe it’s not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better. Kushandwizdom.tumblr.com

woman in pink dress doing jump shot while extending arms under white clouds
Photo by Haste LeArt V. on Pexels.com

I don’t know about you but after a depressive episode or manic episode that turned psychotic, I do believe that one wants the fragments of what occurred during that episode to piece itself together like a puzzle. I thought it was important to know and understand the why and how I could have prevented it. But I realise that what is more important is that i survived it. As terrifying and earth shattering as it was for me. Through my writing i am trying to move through the pain. Not blame any particular party or my shortcomings but try to heal to move forward with what is.

It has probably been the hardest time in my bipolar journey and I feel as fragmented as my mind during that episode. It’s human to be baffled by what you don’t understand, right? How to walk away and create something better as the quote reminds us? I am literally taking it step for step. Trying to figure it out as I go along. My medications remain key to treatment. And yet they scare me because what if they have the potential to harm. And yet that is the truth of all the medications we use for bipolar disorder management.

I do wish there was a manual for these questions like moving on and doing something new and bold. I struggle as I am still sitting in the ash heap of my hurt and pain. Yes, I have been a phoenix many times but sometimes even a phoenix gets tired from repeated use. But before i start a pity party and all doom and gloom. Life gives one amazing opportunities to try new things whether it is to study a new language or do an online course or participate in fitness or dance classes and one feels revived and refreshed by moving. Moving closer to the rhythm of who you are and meant to be. It just takes time to find that one amazing thing and it is out there. I  think it’s a heart over mind decision this one. and it literally takes one step to try. I have been grateful to friends who encouraged me to try something new and i discovered interests that I never thought I would consider before.

Moving forward is not meant to be easy. It is meant to be a learning experience that you share with others along the way. That’s what I believe. How about you?

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